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The New Moon Intent . Us.

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I realised that there was nothing to realise! Its all here! Always was! Controlling anything is like trying to bite your own teeth!Do you want to be loved? Or do you want to be understood ?Nothing lasts. Nothing begins. Nothing matters. In the end , its all an eye wash of the next moment .You put me through time . But since time is an illusion , everything is was and will be alright !

Give me handwritten letters,stamped envelopes, postcards, fountain pens, landline telephones. Give me a family which sits together and eats. Give me a childhood, which I dont have to grow out of . Give me sunday picnics in the midst of nature. Give me the mother’s pat on the forehead while I sleep. Give me the father’s kiss when i am leaving home. Give me an hour of a safe world. Give me the sunrays on my face rather than an over smart phone ringing to wake me up. Give me circus vistis and giant wheels , and cotton candies. Give me one well relished self instilled absence from the world . Give me a reason to not walk away. Give me the joy of not giving up .Give me the charm of mystery . Give me the magic of bitter sweet wait. Give me a pause. Give me one real breath.

The poet in me would be subtle. The writer in me would be fierce. The dancer in me would be unchained. The woman in me would be compassion. The evolver in me would be disconnect. I am all blended into one. Yet not one of them is exclusively me. I am the rainbow and I am white . I am the new moon and the full. I am the roaring ray and the long shadow. I am the eagle eyed and the sparrow fledgling. I am just yet another human .

A Red Wine Plum Cake Craving has been on my mind since past few hours.  Or Maybe Hills for a few days! With a Muse ,Music, And a Mind. And the one who matters.

And then out of that friendship there will be chats between sheets and hair strands would be swept aside; an extension of ourselves abandoned. We would laugh and giggle and love. Hot. Can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other hot. Hot in the way that my mother reading this some day would be blushing and commenting that it is a little too much. But still, steamy nonetheless.

The union, though, is interwoven.

Carefully intertwined within the friendship. Not too much, not too little—a middle way. There would be no cover up with it, no brushing under the rug because of it, no avoidance through it. The unity would never replace, it only would enhance. It is what would connect the friendship to the above-average plane. It is amazing.We have to remember through everything—above all else—that any other foundation built by the two of us intertwined is nothing without these two pieces. It is us, the two of us, always and forever, in or out of the sack.

“Will you sleep with me ? “

Amidst global worries of population, pollution, food security, gender rights, the financial slay market, and raging politics, there is that one person in each of us, looking for that ONE person, to sing that ONE love song. That one person who fits the last scene of ” Notebook” frame . And then one can peacefully look at their own framed picture on the wall, with a air wick garland too. All eternal, siamese twin turned lover types, who would win all dance reality shows , because of the impeccable sync and bountiful love.They say. Not me.
But Wait. Then….an argument starts on disparity between 15-24 -28 degrees,over the AC. ( I have been shameless enough to switch off the AC also at times ! ) Heroine can dance in pastel chiffon , open back in Switzerland, but can’t have her back, have her side during quilt realities. The hero can do some stunts in blood and rain, ( which Jim Carrey manages anyway like a piece of cake ,only with his face out there!) ….. but can’t get the quilt and the AC to agree to COEXIST before he even decides to coexist with something called a wo(e)man. Brave.
That’s when trouble starts. Now the two people who met in coffee shops and other plausible areas of coital coexistence, have already made plans to find galaxies in each other eyes, even if they end up finding black holes there! But when the black holes actually appear under the eyes,post lack of sleep, the same galaxy now looks like a huge roadblock to the big O. ( The smaller Os don’t count. Ape shit we don’t count. Sorry.) Fluffy, groggy eyes with dried mascara and eyeliner lying in chunks of famine struck land on the eye lid, can be scarier than alien abduction alerts.
Now a week ago, while you were stargazing from a field, from a terrace, car tailgate , ( I am yet to lie on the top of a car though, and see something apart from crows ! Check.) , in the centre of nuclear explosion, you promised that you will sail through life TOGETHER in high speed , musical action sequence , colour corrected, without no complains of the vertigo effect of shot taking . But then when one of them comes back home to see the other sleeping peacefully after ruining their sleep, that frame , that height, vertigo hits you right there. Along with Charlie Sheen alter ego.
Holding hands, promising eternity and ravenously fulfilling lovemaking, between the sheets and outside the sheets is exemplary . Overwhelming indeed. In fact, cuddling up to sleep, whilst you are just about getting into the slumber is great. Very therapeutic too. We don’t mind the momentary feeling of being a puppy. But when you get into a deep slumber and here the puppy is strangulated between your arms or between Silicon valley, you will truly know what they meant when they said Love can kill . Chokingly, panting, your attempt to take your neck and face out of such clutches is as good as Depp’s psychotropic tongue expanding hallucination sequence in Fear and Loathing in Vegas. Just this time, its for real . So once you have screwed that up with your not so unbearable lightness of being, at least refer to a science book or use your brain. Or just sleep over it.
Obviously, morning sessions are great. Scientifically speaking too, totally recommended for that instagram glow on the face in real time. But why should you be privileged to it ,when sleep is half ruined, your stomach is grumbling, your digestion has gone for a toss, you have been kicked , sprawled upon, and made to turn into space hungry scavenger throughout the night. When the body finally gave up struggling to find a spot, it relented to a corner. Now you want to surprise me with G spot discovery after literally putting me in a spot ,throughout the night and not caring about the fact there would a light sleeper who can kill a few nations at one go. But then that look of anger , is usually mistaken for some unforeseen roleplay which only happens in the well slept , overactive partner’s head. You want the big O? FO.
No, we don’t have a problem with snoring. But instead of figuring out why you are snoring and attending to it, you are serving me with sounds which can range from anything in between a grunt, a gruelling start to a bullet engine, a hot wheels tokyo drift, and at times were wolf whistles. Yes, it’s very difficult to blend in ,right after watching “Serendipity” or even ” Sherlock Holmes” . Go ask a Hans Zimmer or even Taher Shah for that matter, if such landsliding snores were of any use to my BGM score. Some momentum which you otherwise apply before crashing , can be well carried into sleep. Its the secret ,positions hold. Know your sleeping positions well.
Now, that my day is anyway half groggy, because it started in a frenzy of sheer shocks to my REM state as well , I would still make you nice breakfast and prefer NOT talking about how you think I should be taking more vitamins as I am looking weak . Why dont you rather get rid of the wi fi , and you keep on blaming your insomnia for lack of sleep, till you pass out like as if you are undergoing a training camp of how to die in multiple positions. You know what it feels like? It feels like I am admitted into a hospital, where so much goes on that bed , minus sleep.  Those are the exact times when even if you are Ryan Gosling, I would think of you as a bare bodied, 90s hairy Anil Kapoor, and thats a better buzzkill to rather get some sleep than imagining Connie Carter or Scarlett to join you .Did you ever notice how love and sleep have the same “fall” before them to reach its end?
Obviously when one has finally spent a whole day, almost feeling like my coffee needs another coffee to keep me awake, and toothpicks in the other hand to keep my eyes from shutting, I have gazed through meetings with a dead straight face, when financial year was being discussed for appraisal and all I had wanted is to lie down on that conference table or even on the floor below, You welcome me home with surprise of a party back home. Anniversary is a week away , but one has to smile and get spice back in the relationship because mornings are getting wonkier. How difficult it is to understand , that you cant’ take me to bed, simply because nothing in that bed is mine anymore !! 😦 ( I rather meet you on the floor and die there while you can be Ramdev on bed ! Alone. )
So to cut a long story of coexistence short, it’s imperative to ….SLEEP WITH THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE WITH. I promise I will ruffle your hair, pull you close and keep you there too.I promise I will love you with all my heart , mind, body ,soul (sole, too),and will yell at you slightly lesser with my OCD bouts and maybe have a complete impromptu party when you least expect it . ( If I am in a good mood, You will get awesome massages before you pass out). But first, Sleep and let sleep. Mother, Father, Brother, Lover, and the one who is yet to hear that One song. Much more than Zayn Malik’s Pillowtalk. Much Much more
Give your close ones, the right to sleep . It would reap benefits, much more than any stock exchange could ever give you.
 (Oh I wish I could tell you my dreams, as a part of the benefits of the sleep package, but then that would only ruin more sleep 😉 )
Lots of forthcoming love in anticipation .
Yours truly,
A sleep deprived Calamity Jane.

Broken.

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bgnavy3.jpgI wish there was a world , where sleep existed fearless of any adult and adulterated strands who come and ruin it for days and nights, till the child finally sleeps one day, but minus its soul . The heart just beats to pump blood. I wish someday I sleep, and never wake up again.

You know that thing about pain, when it chokes your aortal muscles, and you can feel a sharp pain on your mount of Venus and you are just gonna break down, stop right there, and look at your palm and just goddamn let it break! You will only create lines on your own palm once you let that blood slide through. Scars are lovely.Its not the fall that kills you ,is it? Its the failure to stop the fall in time..

The worst feeling on this planet is confusion , and lack of a path, in the presence of astute faith . There are voices in the head which battle amongst themselves in a synchronised order,
Voice A: You are nothing. You have done nothing.
Voice B: Hey, you are awesome, You did a lot which many did not .
Voice C: Ok , A n B are confusing the fuck outta me as to who i am , I think i will skip both , and get new running shoes.
Voice D: Such a coward. Go Die.
Voice E: Die? Really ? Thats bravery?haha
Voice F: But physical death was never the end .
Voice G: Maybe you should disconnect.
Voice H: Holiday ?
Voice I : Screw that shit , go to the top and stick to it . All the voices post the first sound of gut are as good as appendix! Why even bother? Dont you think that any commitment is a risk including the commitment to non commitment? 

 

 

 

 

He loves me,he loves me not.

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Love . A verb or a noun ? Or Both ? He is the love of my life and he is busy loving her. So if in the very word itself there’s duality of perception,isnt expectation and the pain,a result of a preconceived absolute? Apparently polygamy is promiscuous and monogamy is overrated. Apparently. The more you dissect the more you get The Brutus in you sharper with a peck. We have gotten too intelligent for our own good. Too intellectual to have an opinion. Too confident to know we will sail through.
Funnily enough with the same confidence, you start taking people for granted, which also is a warped form of trust. Wait,so you like trusting? But isn’t that a matter of the heart? So when your pet peeve is eventually the heart why even try and intellectualise, deconstruct, chop, season or try to reason an existence which anyway is infinite compared to the shrinking yet active brain? I love him but I don’t like him at times. Most of the times infact. It irks me whenever I try figuring it out . We both end up hurting each other. We both do it well . I ask myself, my love for him can’t possibly make me hurt him. Then definitely it is the ego of my mind which again loses its monstrous magnanimity the moment he just hugs me and holds me close. I ask myself, is it then fair or then even remotely intelligent to take decision on the basis of any other emotion that would not last and cons you to your own heartbreak when in reality you and only you can save your own heart. They don’t break your heart . You broke it yourself . Love is nothing but just oneness eventually. The job of the mind is to listen to what the heart wants and go for it ,wisely . Wisdom of a sage and the madness of a child . Love truly becomes liberation then. He is the love of my life and he is still busy loving her…

Unfreeze.

The plague that kills you the hardest is Overthinking. You are not even paid for it.We overthink because we are driven by guilt, lack of self acceptance,the stubbornness to not face the fear,the pressure to deliver to societal rules,the truly impossible attempt to go back and change and relive the past the way it could have been,the constant struggle to please the world in present day out of a repentant mindset of stupidity of the past rather than wholeheartedly unconditionally doing something for someone.

With a rigid body,a firm face,and stiff posture your mind is running at a pace where you negate that you took 9 months to be born,and now that time is running out everything needs to happen now, thereby completely perishing the flow of nature. Our failures of acceptance that something is over,and you cant deal with stationary images on the wall. Start moving,be in the state of flow. Zoom in and now think so much about it that you get bored tired and done with so much that the x-ray vision eews you out and you want to stop! Transcend that resistance and think about someone you love than someone you do not resonate with. And that person needs to be you first.

Analysis is Paraysis. Own up. We dont live in a perfect world. But we do live in a perfect earth. Go out, Be quiet and breathe. Theres only that much you can do.

Pain and Coffee Mugs

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Some prey upon you , some pray for you . Between the difference of just a letter , a character is born or dead .Some day it will be all over……speaking of an era that never ended .

“That is the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.”

I know now that we never get over great losses,we absorb them and let them carve us into different, often kinder creatures. Though some have all the knowledge , they still cant think differently with it. They stay ignorant away from truth because truth requires change. But then what is hurting you could be healing itself in the process. Whatever has been my darkness could possibly be my own shadow looking for light. Jim Morrison said,”Love cannot save you from your own fate. ” We are made of eternity. End is never the fate.When the pain finally comes out through the pen, it just transforms it to being just another story . Or a staircase . The number of words or the flight you take on it is the choice you always have . Skip it , Run through it or just enjoy the hike ! But face it and then ace it ! but sometimes , it aint that easy .

You know that thing of falling sick ? or in any kind of trouble that is beyond your cure. Its a great benchmark to know yourself , your pillars, and your own people who will leave the world of fame, work , ego, and all commitments to see that you survive. People who have offered to help me in the past had sexual favours also put forward as a ROI But obvious I stopped sharing how troubled I was ,coz at the end of everything , all I could see was a solitary life. A hard life . I stopped fighting for things which were stubborn and had a dead end. I knew I was living alone and I am gonna die alone. I would only worry about my family the most and break down into howling tears in these phases. The call for help against dates, dinners and holiday offers would still be there. Thats when i stopped sharing my woes openly even more. Needless to say, neither did they help , nor even one iota of their concern was genuine.

And then are those, who did not think twice before helping me out ,simply coz it was human, simply coz they wanted me to live , breathe and maybe had more faith in me than my genetic inheritance or female organs would promise. They had seen me at my prettiest best, and the worst phase too when lights in the OT gradually come on and anaesthesia , excess of it is there to sedate you..while your eyes shut you know these are the faces I want to see before I die…and these are the few people who have taught me how NEVER to expect and let things unfold, theres always a bigger story behind everything..

Sep has been one helluva month and I have only been in and out of hospitals. Too many injections, too much blood loss…surgery and OT lights one after another.. Its been mentally traumatic, physically exhausting and humanly enlightening as for once you know even if you dont make it till the end , you will leave knowing that some people loved you when you missed home,,,,when you stopped loving yourself..and they loved you unconditionally …Times when i stop being funny , Times i am not nice to people when I can see through the facade they hold, times when I push myself to laugh coz I cant cry further…these are times when i think of these faces and accept it to myself , that not everyone has a normal conditioned life , not every relationship has a name or tag. If you are not human enough to shut up when required and do more than just talking , is when you really make a difference..Thanks to all of them who with all their idiosyncratic overtures have touched me deeply time and again to be a better person and keep that heart pumping..no matter what ..Whether i have lost my month old baby, or whether I killed my inner child as the womb bled, the light still struggles but eventually seeps in to pick me up and throw its favorite warrior on to the battlefield of pain and pens. From blue to red and back to blue the veins and blood stay warring with each other..

That voice from God

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Sometimes , all one requires is to hear a voice which spells eternity, peace , strength and homecoming for the soul. When times get rough, someone ,I dunno who that is, sends you his favorite angel, as if you are the kid in the candy store who just wanted to be, to be in a space of love minus utterances of hefty words, but needed equal guidance to stay strong and look ahead.

You get that call from the shores of a country which is about to warm up in the late afternoon sun, while your eyes are wide open awaiting the dawn , but you are tired, exhausted, caught in human shackles of mortality and the mundane. It definitely is not the shriek of shock or dismay, or neither is it remotely devoid of gratitude for the four square meals , roof above the head,or dreams disturbed, but it is a tedious restlessness of familiarity to the world which has only led to sighs and boredom.Contempt is none.

In the course of the conversation, I get a gentle reminder of the much loved adored path of freedom, yet being grounded with homecoming ,within! yet again , I realise, how nothing effects me as well as everything does, The defense of negating is soon perceived on the other coexisting positive sphere of acceptance , and then dealing with it . I used to think the more, I meet people, the more I like staying alone. Then that became boring too. So the cycle continued, yet nothing needs to create a havoc enough to ruin my peace.Whether it’s in full awareness,or complete carelessness, if you are with or around fire, you are bound to burn. It might not provide you the luxury of swimming out , when you are drowning, but it does give you new skin if you survive the burn, purified , yet the scar keeps on reminding you of the resurrection , if missed out on. Whether you choose to be a holy pyre , pure raw , fierce , powerful in blazing flames of the brightest reds and yellows and oranges, keeping the fire alive n burning or just another charred entity of petty ashes n smoke, which neither act as manure ,nor air freshener,but completely burnt out is totally up to you. In either cases , grab that bottle of water, and keep the windows open. Space is vital and balance is key.

There could not be any order minus a conflict . There could not be any conflict minus an order .Making peace with demons within, can only turn them into divinity of honesty to self . When you get engrossed in ” where is this going, and what are we doing ” Jazz , you have clearly missed the bus to live.We walk and we walk. We stumble, fall, get up and walk again. Sprinting through the unruly chaos within , filtering out what ceases to serve your purpose, or to retain that smile. In between names , faces, and muses and roses, the show must go on. That mirror waits everyday back home with questions seeking your own redemption through the choices you make .The truth is No one and nothing is indespensable. Just in case you feel you are, thank your stars million times that I let you nurse that illusion because you look good to me when you are beaming and smiling . That makes me smile . Having said that , I have learnt to create smiles for myself irrespective of whether you are there or not . And so should you!

Thank you Universe, for always guiding me and seeing me through when I thought my night blindness is now seeping through my day glasses ! Ups Downs,high lows, black or white, but the show must go on!!!!

Halo

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So what do you do ,when you look back on the roads less travelled , while you were paving your way to let self induced melancholy adore you,hopefully expecting some false respite ? 🙂 . Do you stop there at the T junction, wish faintly for a second you wish you knew the house number ,maybe the landline still works and then mock playfully at such an elusive thought and hop on to the bridge on the left and head home? Or Wait , If you did not take that left turn , and went straight running into the arms where home was and crumbled in belonging ? Did your box of band aid stop you to guard your explosive vulnerability or your bruised ego did?

Actually none did. What did was , that in the thoroughfare of everyday trapeze , I had slayed more weaknesses, rattled more boundaries, survived inebriated psyches minus a face. This pain did not unnerve the child within this time, much like it is told , ” Dont talk to strangers” . The memories were not strange, but their being had hit the zenith where it did not bring anything anymore to the table where my pen and notebooks waited with the expectant eyes of the child and the proud parent at the same time . If I had not taken the turn , be it left or U, or had not pulled the hand brake , I would be yet again in that state of impulsive motion , without actually knowing the vacuum and vastness of stillness. WIth stillness, everything now fell in frames on film strip. With stillness, everything in the past was now nothing more than just another story. Two rowdy teenage boys flaunted their skeletal health as their jacquard shirts flew against the wind . The one behind was singing a song fairly loudly so much so that you could see his diaphragm move. ““. And I let it be .

Standing there all alone , I had just stepped upon a whole new universe. I was all that I had. My trophies in surviving human existence was more than enough to last lifetimes. This time if I burn , it better be by my own fire. If this time I heal, It better be my own pyre 🙂 . Yet again, I interlaced my fingers and stretched my arms behind me . My heart opened its doors, yet again to me. I had moved back in. I was home.